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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2007.01.22  17.10 if the world listened to more abba, i'm almost positive there would be less violence.

	2006.12.16  14.25 so its almost that time. i have a week left of school until my break. i HOPE to make it up to edmonton for a couple of days, i'm going to talk to my mom and my friends about it tonight, but yes. nothing much is really new, winter just brings laziness and lacks the incentive to get out of bed.

	2006.11.30  00.40 three handcuffed men. a policeman, gun in hand ready to attack. i wander by, glance in for the action. nothing nothing move on. the t3s numb the cold and negative thought. i unleash myself in the four string glory. tea, night, bed. goodnight Mood: numb

	2006.11.24  10.40 the more i play it the better it sounds, it cries when i leave it alone. silently it waits for me, or someone else i suppose. ...this old guitar. its weird how a coffee, sunglasses, a mall and the roasterie together in one night, mixed with preston, a dallop of kasey and a dash of katelyn can bring me back to reality. Mood: cheerful Music: neil young

	2006.11.22  15.59 and again ladiese and gentleman, i have found myself in that never ending dark hole. november 22, i feel as though there was some kind of significance to this day. but back to my sad sad story, as much as i hate to let these little things get me down, im tired of being an emotional punching bag to those around me. they speak however they please, and i am expected to silently nod my head nad tell them everything is okay. but the second i feel under the weather, when the sunshine isnt shining on my shoes, i am the worst person alive and no one can stand to be around me. what happened to those blissful days of pure ecstacy, when a raindrop or a cloudy sky wouldnt bring sorrow to my eyes. mike told me my eyes look sorrowful, he said lovely things to me, but actions speak louder than words in my case, and even those actions that i attempted to bring myself out of this little slump have done nothing but make me feel worse. i dont get high, i dont get drunk, i dont smile.

	2006.11.04  00.16 this week was....boring. halloween was lame, and it ended in a huge mess in my house, including puke from a drunk marilyn monroe. monday, before halloween, mushrooms, so i basically wanted to run into oncoming traffic all week in hopes of breaking both my legs so i woulndt have to leave my bed for months, just sit at home, eat, become a fat slob and bask in my glories of nothing. but now i'm back into business, naomi jono and zack are on their way over, i'm starting off with a beer and a toke in celebration of their arrival, then to zacks garage to get loaded. reminder: dress warm. peace.

	2006.10.18  16.07 winter played a trick on us. last night was weird. i feel self conscious around people, everyone, my friends, my enemies, and complete strangers. but having a feeling of self worth isnt always the strongest point of most females i guess. females growing up with a dominating father and a giving mother. i've been in psych class for too long. today i didnt go to school because of a five minute appointment at the orthodontist. its really nice to have a day off when no one tells you how awful you are and how your future is going to be. but what else is new. no, things are good, just time to focus. focus. focus.focus.

	2006.10.09  15.10 my stomach.... so thanksgiving, it was realy nice. my mom and i had this cute little turkey, massamo came over with a $600 bottle of wine, which was beautiful and we had ourselves a nice little feast. afterwards we ewnt to sleep and at around 11 our gay neighbour dean comes a knockin at our door, drunk and in the mood to party. so we went to twisted element. twisted element is a gay bar in calgary, and sunday nights they have drag shows. so we dolled up, attempted to make me look 22. when the guy at the door asked me for id i said no and walked in. but my fucking god, what a night, i was so drunk! me and dean were on the dance floor and all these men were just around us. and the drag queens were beautiful and our best friends at the end of the night. but it was my first time in the bar and i had so much fun.

	2006.10.01  15.11 friday and saturday i worked. but friday night bailey and sachel came over, we got really drunk and had a good time, fuck they're such nice people. i have them at my house, they dont cause destruction, they dont ween dope of me, and the bought hte fucking beer. i love them, i dont know, i know that shouldnt matter but its so nice to hang out iwth nice people. then last night, my mom and i drank paralyzers and a six pack. it was so much fun, at around 7 we went to humptys for breakfast. i had the most disgusting thing ever, it was a fruit omlete, or the 'temptation'. i just had to get it i don know why, it was weird. but yeah, its a shitty day outside. Mood: mellow Music: one more cup of coffee, bd

	2006.09.27  16.09 Another boring day at Crescent Heights. Mike and Matt came. Oh! and during photography kim and i left while hte teacher was in the dark room and went across the street from the school in this bush and we got soooo baked it was sweet. then matt kim and i went to the fortress and smoked more dope. its really sthitty that we cant go to the church anymore, i hate having to search for places to blaze. but yeah, i have to work tonight which is pretty shitty, and i really dont want to go but whatever. god at school i can barely stand it. there are all these stupid kids with this hair that makes them look like yugio characters, their asian, which i dont really care about but they hav ea white kid who hangs out with them and he has yugio hair too and i want to kick him in the face. not much else has really happened today, i dont know what to do about thursday. i can either get drunk or do homework but i have to go to work now so peace.

	2006.09.26  00.14 hi everyone I'm once again connected to the world wide web. I've had a wild summer that i really can't remember the majority of, i spent it in a drunk haze with preston. And if i wasnt drunk, i was exhausted from running my ass off all day at the restaraunt, and afterwards calming myself with my water pieces. nothing else to say.

	2006.07.16  23.42 my mother and i are leaving the residence of dirk in two weeks! i'm so excited. its all done, we're free. but in bad news my father is dead to me so i will not be returning to manitoba anytime in the near or far future. but my life here is good, i've decided alot of things this summer and i've really evolved into the next step of my life. its weird slowly forming into the transition of reality. its a fucked up world i'm entering and im trying to make myself as comfortable as possible by leaving behind my old ways a little bit. just in the way i present myself nad what i do. i'm commiting myself to drugs and pot. i'm not a drinker anymore. and i can deal with things alot easier nad i dont let it bother me, its fucked. a new stage of life, a new part of myself growing.

	2006.07.14  08.22 stampede yesterday. the rides sucked, but in a nutshell, i wasnt drunk anymore by noon, i did a candy flip...and thats all ir eally need to say about that. i saw jodi woods, you know from carman, it was FUCKED and i was really high and all weird. but otherwise it was fun, we rode the safeway sky ride for about three hours and thats about it. ha h.

	2006.07.08  23.05 to do list for the summer: -get drivers lisence -get fake i.d -waste every fucking day working my ass off for $50 a day. ....plus tips.

	2006.07.07  08.06 yesterday i was pelted with ice from the sky.

	2006.06.24  13.58 my first trip with the three mad hatters. i have to write this down somewhere that i can always remember where i put it. wednesday night, i took three hits of lsd, three little mad hatters, it was absolutely the craziest thing i've ever done in my life. where do i begin, i guess jordans garage is the best place i can start. it took about 45 minutes, but we were all sitting around, me, zack, jordan and eruption, eruption didnt have any. but i started feeling really really strange, then i looked at the record pl ayer, and it was l ike on that 70s show when the wall starts moving. i started laughing and i couldnt stop, smoking was the only thing i could do. then everything on jordans wall was looking like little men. then audrey came for a while and we were just starting to reach our peak of being high, she was upset because she couldnt get any mushrooms that night and she's absolutely crazy so we didnt give her any, she would've gone absolutely insane. when we tried to walk her home, we walked through this mud, and there was something about it, but after we walked through it, i couldnt believe that we had managed to avoid all that crazy water, then we started laughing (zack, jordan and i) my laugh sounded so weird, it was almost unrecognizable, it my crazy acid laugh, it scared me a little bit. but anyway, i found a bench and decided it was probably a good idea to sit on it, and wow was it ever. the sky, and the stars were so gorgeous, i cant describe the clouds, they were on a different level than the stars and they were light blue and the rest of the sky was dark blue, and they were turning and growing. then the bench was really high and i couldnt sit on it anymore it creeped me out, i hated it, then i looked at the trees, holy shit, they were turning and moving and man, i cant even describe how beautiful it all was. after the bench we decided to go to 7 11 because i was out of cigarettes and i wasnt goign to go through the rest of the night without cigarettes. the cars that were parked were all moving and the color of everythign kept changing to red and then back to normal. right before we got to 7 11 zack mentioned that it was thursday now, and then i remembered that thursday at 11:10 i had a dentist appointment, an orthodontist appointment anyway, i couldnt believe it, i had 11 hours left and i was connvinced that i wouldnt be high by then. so we went to 7 11 and i saw these guys i kind of knew and we talked and shit i told them about my dentist appointment, john just star ted laughing and he told me that i had to go, because it would be the funniest thing ever, i agreed but i was still frightened. so zack bought smokes and we went walking in the street lights, they were so cool. then we went to a park and went on the swings, there was water underneath them, and i couldnt touch it, but wow, the swings were the craziest feeling ever, you were moving so much, with so little effort. then after the swings we decided to go back to jordans and watch the sunrise. when we got there i decided to use the bathroom in his garage, his counter tops were liquid, i put my hand on it and it felt wet, and it started moving, i looked at myself, and my eyes started popping and moving my skin was a strange color and i couldnt do it anymore, so i went pee, which was gross because jordans garage is the biggest cess pool ever. then afterwards we sat on his couch looked a more things, listened to the doors, then jordan remembered the sunrise, and he opened the garage door. it was perfect there was a couch facing into the sun, and what you have to understand about jordans garage is that it faces directly east and it overlooks a large portion of the city, there isnt more houses behind his house, there is wilderness, a golf course, and roads, and not to mention a phenominal view of the sky. that sunrise will forever be in my head, we sat there for three hours, watchin the sky, it was so cool, and when the sun came out, oh my fucking god, it was white, but all around it there were the colors of the rainbow, radiating off of it and there was too much going on in the sky to describe it but it was amazing. after the sunrise the whole visuals was pretty much over and i was starting to come down, but not really, my peak high which lasted about 12 hours was finally over. at around 8 30 jordans dad came out and was asking us what we were doing and the thing is, when you're on acid, you think about conversations way to hard and their a com pletely different thing, and jordan couldnt handle it, it was really scary to watch, and after that, the rest of my day was pretty much like fear and loathing in las vegas. i walked home, but i got lost about three times, and i had to drive in my brothers orange truck with him, while he told me about how in debt he is and how he found god, it was nuts, then we went and saw my mom at the restaraunt, and the number one thing you cannot do for long when you are on acid is be around your parents. we went to the dentist and i didnt know my way around, the lady kept talking about the appliance she was putting in my moutn and man, the dentist was just crazy, fucking crazy, i looked out the window nad the trees were blowing and there was thhose fluffies and it was absolutely crazy. after the dentist my brother took me to the mall, that was all too much man. holy fuck. but yeah i wasnt finished com ing down for about 24 hours and yesterday i was basically brain dead, today i'm feeling a bit better, but the only advice i can give anyone is if you're going to do acid, dont do it when you have anything to do. or make sure you dont hagve anything to do, i had a pretty crazy trip. Mood: crazy

	2006.06.17  14.28 Bohemian Rhapsody i finally did it. it was perfect. i did mushrooms finally and wow. i had hte best trip ever, i was hysteric when we were looking at the buildings, and then a beaver walked by, seriously it was weird. but then i was okay and i had such a wonderful time. but anyway, i miss everyone and i'm planning a trip out to manitoba and northern alberta in august. lov eyou all.

	2006.06.10  01.48 Bright Eyes was fucking awesome!! i was drunk stoned, and i tried a bit of mushrooms for the first time. fan fucking tastic, that is all i can say. and maybe i can mention that i made a gay boy named ben put his arm around me and hold me the whole time, and i had no idea who he was. but on a heavier note, my moms boyfriend is a douche bag, and i want him to die alone. Mood: crushed

	2006.05.28  12.54 i'm back. i didnt do anything about the pervert, but i have this strange feeling that somewhere down the road he'll get his. i spent the night at my cousins last night after a fairly easy shift in the dish pit. my cab was late, and my driver made me walk a block. im goi ng to the liloc festival, but first i'm going to help my cousin finish some more of her keg. schools over in a couple of weeks. um yeah. hows everyone else doing?

	2006.05.22  14.04 whatever happened to privacy? what happened to having your own personal space? when was it okay for someone to clean your room. since when is being black an excuse for a fucking pedophile to press his fucking cock into you and hold you so you cant get away then get you to go into an alley with him, until you finally break free and run away as fast as you can. when did it go from, it wont happen to me to being one of my realities. i hate them all, they're all fucking pigs, and by them, i mean guys, there's a few who i consider my friends, but most of them are fucking losers. you kiss one once, and he'll follow you around for weeks. if you look pretty, you're automatically a sexual object who goes walking around and wants to be told that you want to fuck her, or that she has to come party with you so you can take advantage of her. fuck this, i dont want them anymore, i dont want anyone, i feel so fucking violated i dont want anyone to touch me again.

	2006.05.17  20.37 soo, yeah. still here, sort of. i didnt go to kensington today, and i really miss it. but shaun aka eruption came over, i kissed him, but only because i felt like i had to. or something like that, i've been really confused lately, on account of kensington, and getting really stoned all day. two days ago, this guy matt langdon who in calgary is a pretty well k nown guy, was sitting at the drum circle, and i was smoking a three gram L joint with all these people and he saw me smoking it and he said that we were epic, it was cool. but yeah, i was supposed to get drunk today, but i was in a weird mood, so i invited shaun over to play guitar. i dont know if i like him, or what, i mean i do, but no one knows why, and i dont really either, he's kind of cheesy, but yearh, i'm ranting about noth ing. oh fuck1 wednesday i have to go to the orthodontist, and then i'm going to be a metal mouth, ewww!.

	2006.05.13  15.10 i hate having a job. its so hard, so tireing, and money isnt real to me. my eyes have turned blue, and i've met a boy. his name is sean, everyone calls him eruption because of this thing he does on guitar, which by the way is really cool. but anyway, i worked tuesday night, wednesday night, thursday night, friday night, tonight and tomorrow night. and i am working a full time job in the evenings while going to school. ahhh! fuck i dont even know what to say on livejournal anymore. but yeah, calgary is really good. im still happy and i miss everyone. i saw skinheads walking down the street and i thought of chris hah, but i have to go to bust my ass washing dishes. bye.

	2006.05.11  22.40 i am so fucking tired.

	2006.05.07  17.54 this weekend has been insane. i've been pushed to a lot of my boundries and i've changed, matured, gained tolerance. there's a bishop staying at my house, and i told my mom everything about my life last night, everything. secrets i've never told a single person, she may have some names added to her death list, but it has brought us closer. i'm changing, its all changing. i'm not nostalgic at all for anyone really. every single person i've ever met and had a friendship with will always have a place in my heart, even if recent cruelties have hurt me, everyone that i once considered my friend i will always remember. and all i will remember is the good. i'm experiencing so much right now, and my mind is expanding into different levels. i'm experiencing things like i never have. its so weird to say and to understand but thats what it is. i no longer live in fear. i dont know if anyone has any fucking clue how good it feels. people treat me like a person. i see everyone as equal beings. we're all the fucking same. all of us. but anyway, i'm growing away from who i was, i'm done with the computer, i'm done with depression, my hate for myself, my obsession with my appearance. i've become comfortable in my own skin, because i know that this isnt it. i know that i'm going to grow and change just like i have been doing. i've just gained so much respect for the world, and life, and beings. i went to the zoo today, it really made me think. they were all trying to break free from their cages and live in teh wild. the lions didnt move, they waited to be fed. they had no inscentive to kill an animal, and that isnt right. ahh! and the gorillas looked at me, and i saw a person, and i realized that we're all life. we're here to survive and to feel like we belong. there was one gorilla who wasnt accepted by the other ones, adn she sat off alone by herself and she looked miserable, it was heart breaking. but what all of this nonsence boils down to is that i've made the choice to let myself change, and not hold on to my past, and in doing so i'm being selfish by choosing myself infront of other people, but ti must be done. i've drifted from everyones life and i feel like they dont care, and its okay that they dont care, i've just been holding on to a past that i really loved and enjoyed, but i realize that i have to move on. appreciate the freedoms i've been given. Mood: indescribable

	2006.05.02  08.24 same ol' same ol'. went to calistas last night, we smoked pot, made macaroni, drank coffee, the usual. there was alot of traffic and this truck with two guys in it was giong the same speed as me, and they wouldnt leave me alone. it freaked me out. i either need: A) Pepper Spray or B) More training from my brother on how to kill people. both sound nice, but whatever. i dont even get this, have i reached the point of happiness where i cant even write about my miserable life in live journal? I THINK I HAVE! anyway. last night as well my mother and i went for a late drive, i got a tea from starbucks, and she got some blended mocha stuff that tasted like a fudgecicle. we went to this spot to look at the city, everyone else in the cars around us was making out, and some guy came to our car and asked us for a lighter, t hen he sparked up a jo int and didn toffer us any. bastard. but yeah, nothing else is really new. i found another boy at school i think is beautiful. we walked by eachother yesterday in the hallway, he was wearing a mechanics uniform, we smiled and said hello. he tries to sneak glances at my chest, but is bad at it, its cute. i'm such a weirdo. Mood: pleased